Ask FCB: Self-rising?

Dear FCB:
What's the deal with all these kinds of flour? Enriched, self-rising, unbleached, I mean, what the hell?
Sincerely,
Your kitchen cabinet.

So I was making beer bread. I was serving spaghetti and meat sauce, so I threw in a loaf of garlic bread to round out the starch overload. Beer bread is sort of one of those things that doesn't have a recipe. Roughly 3 to 4 cups sifted flour, 12oz of Beer brand Beer, in the oven for an hour at 375-400 or something. Nothing special, just a simple bread you don't need to let rise or measure or touch too much. But there is this thing: if you use non-alcoholic beer, throw in a package of active yeast. If you don't use self-rising flour, add about a teaspoon of baking powder. This way you end up with bread instead of a giant doughy brick.
I grabbed whatever flour was closest to the front of the shelf and spooned out an amount I measured to  be "enough." Dumped in a can of Milwaukee's Best Light, all three words of which are a total lie. Then I popped that sucker in the oven and made some hummus and toast for an appetizer. I know right? Anyway, forty minutes later I check the oven and see a half-risen, golden-brown and spongy wad of failure. Seriously, Colleen-marie? You really couldn't be bothered to read the bag? No, I couldn't.
If this happens to you, here's a pro tip: break the bread in the kitchen and pile it all on a plate. Set the softest bits back in the cooling oven to crisp up a bit before serving. Now the guests won't have to tear up the bread themselves, and you won't have to make some stupid quip about your baking skills not rising to the occasion.