Ask FCB: Self-rising?

Dear FCB:
What's the deal with all these kinds of flour? Enriched, self-rising, unbleached, I mean, what the hell?
Sincerely,
Your kitchen cabinet.

So I was making beer bread. I was serving spaghetti and meat sauce, so I threw in a loaf of garlic bread to round out the starch overload. Beer bread is sort of one of those things that doesn't have a recipe. Roughly 3 to 4 cups sifted flour, 12oz of Beer brand Beer, in the oven for an hour at 375-400 or something. Nothing special, just a simple bread you don't need to let rise or measure or touch too much. But there is this thing: if you use non-alcoholic beer, throw in a package of active yeast. If you don't use self-rising flour, add about a teaspoon of baking powder. This way you end up with bread instead of a giant doughy brick.
I grabbed whatever flour was closest to the front of the shelf and spooned out an amount I measured to  be "enough." Dumped in a can of Milwaukee's Best Light, all three words of which are a total lie. Then I popped that sucker in the oven and made some hummus and toast for an appetizer. I know right? Anyway, forty minutes later I check the oven and see a half-risen, golden-brown and spongy wad of failure. Seriously, Colleen-marie? You really couldn't be bothered to read the bag? No, I couldn't.
If this happens to you, here's a pro tip: break the bread in the kitchen and pile it all on a plate. Set the softest bits back in the cooling oven to crisp up a bit before serving. Now the guests won't have to tear up the bread themselves, and you won't have to make some stupid quip about your baking skills not rising to the occasion.

Homemade Pasta

I have a pasta roller. It is not attached to a KitchenAid standing mixer. Not, this is the kind that you have to spend a whole day cranking by hand. And I love it.

A lot of pasta recipes will tell you to use fine flour and eggs, with just the tiniest amount of water. I don't want, nor do I need, egg noodles. In fact, you don't even need to use eggs at all.

You DO NOT need to add an egg. This is a lie. Do not believe anyone who says you have to add an egg. You can if you want, but flour and water are going to work just fine. You just need to be patient.

Start with three cups of flour, 2/3 cup of water, and, fine, one large egg. Pour the flour in to a glass bowl, and make a little dent in the center for the egg. Crack that in, and slowly fold in the flour with a fork. While you continuously fold, slowly pour in the water. Here's the thing, you can add a bunch of eggs right at first and then mix as fast or as slow as you want, but then you have all that stupid egg yolk cholesterol. You are already eating so many starchy carbs, do you really want to throw that in to the mix? No. So add the water really, really slowly. And keep folding.

Dust your hands liberally with flour and start to knead. This will take a good ten minutes, so make sure you have a tv show or podcast or something to keep your attention. The dough should be smooth and elastic. Seriously, if it tears while you roll it, just go right on kneading.

If you are unlucky, this will be the time to bring out your rolling pin and get to gettin'. If, however, you are smart and fun to be around, you will have a pasta roller. Starting on the thickest setting, roll out 3inx6in sheets of dough. Then go down a setting, and roll out each of these sections. Continue until the sheets are your desired noodle thickness, remembering that pasta will plump almost double while cooking. Now you can either slice the noodles yourself, or pull out the handy guide that does it for you, attached to your pasta roller. (Seriously, Ned and Mooshe, this is the best present ever!)

Fresh pasta only needs to be boiled for about 3 minutes to be al dente. Serve immediately with a rich tomato or cheese sauce. This particular batch, made at midnight during a pretty bad bout of insomnia, was eaten directly from the pot while watching reruns of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Ahh, Italian...

Marinara Sauce

When canning your own sauces or preserves, it is very important that the food be just below boiling, and the jars very warm. Fill the jars as high as you can and seal the cap and lid on tightly, then turn upside down to create a tight seal. This inversion helps create that concave area in the center of the lid that lets you know the food is staying fresh.

Pictured above is my marinara sauce, a recipe so secret that no one has ever even watched me make it. No one has ever seen the grocery list for the week I plan on making it. In those jars there is a healthy dose of stewed tomatoes, roasted red peppers, sauteed onions, minced garlic, fresh basil and oregano, and slightly more olive oil than is really necessary. Available upon request, guests bring the wine.

Ask FCB: Steak

Marie-


How in the hell am I supposed to broil this steak?


Best,
Poppie

Turn on the broiler in your oven. Move a rack really, really close to the top. If you season your steaks, do it now. If you want to do this the right way, rub in some kosher salt and a little fresh cracked pepper. on each side. Oh, and if you have defrosted the steaks, for the love of god, pat them dry with a paper towel.

Lay out the steaks in a cookie sheet, or, better yet, on a wire rack over a baking pan. Let the oven get nice and warm, about 5-7 minutes, before you put those steaks in. Slide them on to the top rack. For a nice medium-rare, let them broil for about three minutes on each side.

Ask FCB 1: Butter

Dear Fatty Cookbook,

For some reason sticks of butter just don't seem to be big enough anymore. I've never had this problem before so you're going to have to HELP! Seriously, is it just me or are they getting smaller? Is it this crazy weather we've been having? I hear it's an El Nino. Maybe it's this sluggish economy. Or maybe it has to do with the Hadron Collider because I never noticed until the past few months-- you know right around when they turned it on and I started shopping off-brand at a different grocery story. Or maybe it's just because I used to buy the big one pound blocks of butter to pinch pennies, and this is what they look like all wrapped up.

Sincerely,
I Got To Make A Pie With This Stuff And I Don't Want A Fluffy Crust


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Dear Gotta-Makea-Pie,

I do not recommend NOT buying the one pound blocks of butter. It's true they are cheaper and last longer than your standard 8 tbsp sticks, but they make a great conversation piece and are easy to sculpt in classy, classy ways. Also, I am not entirely sure that El Nino would affect (effect? oh, no, I got that right the first time) butter size. The LHC is more probable, as it may be creating small black holes over in Switzerland that are falling through the Earth's mantle and settling near the dairy counters of Food Lion in Culver City.

The stick of butter you are holding looks to be a Western-pack. As you are my close, personal friend, I know you spent the first 23 years of your life East of the Rocky Mountains. Most sticks of butter on this side are Elgin sticks (8 tablespoons, 1/4 lbs., 4.75" x 1.25") a size first developed by the Elgin Butter Company in 1882. Elgin sticks are sold 4 to a box in rectangular boxes, and then Land-O-Lakes created the half-stick and everything went crazy. The Western-pack (3.25" x 1.5") is sold two by two in cube shaped boxes, and was mainly developed by the kind of people who decided to "go West" and build square houses and draw square states.

There is actually a real link you can follow to read about the varying shapes of butter sticks. It's right here. For real.

Don't forget to add graham cracker crumbs for crunch on the bottom!

-Colleen-marie